The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED
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Introduction
As parents, we often find ourselves navigating the complexities of our relationships with our children. A recent Sunday night perfectly illustrated this struggle. After anxiously preparing dinner for my family, I faced a moment of frustration when my son complained about the meal. In that moment of exhaustion and overwhelm, I snapped. The resulting outburst seemed to shatter the peace of our evening, and my son screamed, "I hate you," before racing to his room, leaving me to spiral into self-loathing and guilt.
As a clinical psychologist dedicated to parenting, I am acutely aware that every parent has their bad days and that perfect parenting is a myth. Mistakes are part of the learning process, yet we rarely discuss how to navigate these moments after. So, what do we do following a rupture in our relationships?
The Importance of Repair
The concept of repair is crucial in relationship dynamics, especially between parents and children. When I work with parents and ask them to identify one essential strategy, I invariably highlight the power of repair. But what does "repair" entail?
Repair involves returning to a moment of disconnection and owning up to our behavior, while also acknowledging its impact on others. It goes beyond a simple apology. Apologies typically serve to shut down a conversation ("I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on?"), whereas a good repair opens up the floor for discussion and connection. It acknowledges the rupture while also reaffirming the bond.
Next time I find myself in a conflict, perhaps I can remind myself that my goal is to practice repair. Instead of dwelling on my misstep, I can focus on reconnecting with my child.
When I skip the repair process, the consequences can be significant for my child. If I don’t address the situation, my son could internalize the conflict, leading to feelings of self-blame and insecurity—thoughts he might carry into adulthood, such as "I'm unlovable" or "It's my fault." These narratives stem from unresolved conflicts and can haunt individuals long after childhood.
By engaging in the repair process, I not only help dispel my child’s story of self-blame but also instill feelings of safety, love, and connection. This act can revise the narrative into one of understanding and healing, providing my child with a chance to feel secure and valued.
Steps to Repair
Repair with Yourself
Before reaching out to my child, it’s essential to first repair my relationship with myself. This means recognizing that while I may not be proud of my behavior, it doesn't define who I am as a parent. Acknowledging my struggles allows me to approach the situation with the compassion needed to repair with my child effectively.Repair with Your Child
There’s no scientific formula for this, but I find it helpful to include three elements:- Name what happened.
- Take responsibility for my actions.
- State what I would do differently next time.
An example could be, "I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I realize that must have felt scary, and it wasn't your fault. I’m working on staying calm even when frustrated." While it may only take 15 seconds, offering repair can have a lasting impact on a child’s development, promoting self-trust and connection.
The Ripple Effect of Repair
Interestingly, many parents worry that it's too late to repair relationships and change narratives, especially if they’ve previously made significant mistakes. However, it’s crucial to understand that it is never too late. Imagine receiving a heartfelt message from a parent acknowledging your childhood struggles and expressing a willingness to discuss them. Such an intervention can evoke powerful emotions and change your perceptions about past wounds.
Remember, as parents, our children are always younger than we are, providing us with ample opportunities to impact their lives positively.
Ultimately, repair allows us to rewrite and enrich our children's narratives, teaching them about connection and understanding. It's a choice we can all make—because it's never too late to repair.
Keywords
- Parenting
- Repair
- Relationship
- Self-blame
- Compassion
- Acknowledgment
- Connection
- Communication
FAQ
Q: What is the most important parenting strategy? A: The most crucial strategy is learning how to effectively repair after conflicts to restore connection with your child.
Q: What does "repair" mean in a parenting context? A: Repair refers to the act of addressing moments of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child.
Q: How can parents repair their relationships with their children? A: Parents can repair by first acknowledging their emotions, then communicating openly with their children about what happened, taking responsibility, and expressing a commitment to do better in the future.
Q: Is it ever too late to repair a damaged relationship? A: No, it is never too late to repair relationships; the narrative can always be revised, and children can still benefit from such interventions regardless of their age.
Q: What are the long-term benefits of repairing with a child? A: Effective repair can help prevent issues like self-blame and promote resilience, enabling children to take responsibility for their actions and maintain healthy relationships as adults.
